E97: How to Make Friends As A Grown Woman
**This episode was transcribed by Otter.ai, so please forgive any spelling errors.
Dr. Seida 0:00
You're listening to the Loveish podcast. And I'm your host, Dr. Sita hood, Vision architect and licensed therapist. Each week, I'm going to help you to develop the belief and strategy necessary to make an immediate impact on the world by deep diving into topics like mental wellness, faith, relationships, and you guessed it, love. I should mention before we happen to the show, this is not a substitute for a relationship with a licensed therapist. You ready? Let's get it
Dr. Seida 0:38
Welcome back for another episode of the Loveish Podcast. I am your host, Dr. Sita hood, Vision architect and licensed therapist. And I want to let you know that if you are listening to this on your favorite listening platform, it's another video podcast. And I realized that I forgot to say that for like three weeks straight, but you can pretty much anticipate that every episode from here is going to be in video podcasts in conjunction with the audio so if you would rather watch it, head on over to my YouTube channel, and subscribe become part of the family. And if you're watching this and you haven't subscribed, go ahead and subscribe. Today we are talking about how to make friends as a grown woman because it's hard out here in the streets. And y'all know that my brain thinks in song so what I heard when I just said that, you know what's hot down here?
Speaker 2 1:30
Oh, you when it tried to get the money to rent yay, no.
Dr. Seida 1:37
I'm not gonna play that part. Okay, moving on. What's in your mug today, I have a Venti iced chai tea latte and is fine and is giving summer what's in your mug. Okay? If you feel inclined to do so leave it below in the notes. If you are watching this, or tag me on social media and let me know what's in your mug. I want to know which I'll be sipping on like, I'll be listening to the podcast because you'll be hitting me up separately afterwards. Sometimes, let me know what you're drinking while you might put somebody else home in terms of what to order from a particular restaurant or a coffee shop like Starbucks. Okay, so let's get into today's episode in 2023. We have the most ways to connect, but the least amount of deep connections with people and they're crazy. I feel like it's because we have so much access to people that we take relationships for granted, there is a quote or saying absence makes the heart grow fonder absence makes the heart grow fonder. But I feel like because in today's world, we have so much tech that instantly connects you. We don't even have time for absence to even happen. Because as soon as you meet somebody, you and you like exchange their social media information, boom, you got access, or as much access as they share with their immediate world, you have access to them, and you feel like you know them because you're privy to certain parts of their day, the parts that they feel comfortable showing. And so we feel like we have an inside scoop on somebody's life and the art of friendship is lost. We don't know how to simply support people, or how to show people that we're in their corner anymore, or how to even make friends because of social media, because we got all of these podcasts. Not this, though, because we have all of these podcasts with these people that just feel like talking because it's a Wednesday that have no expertise and no experience in the things that they're talking about. They're just sharing an opinion. Have you ever met that one family member that has strong opinions about things? And you I'll be here like, let me just say this, let's just take marriage because that's the easiest example you have a family member that has a really strong opinion about marriage but has never been married. And they're not in a field where they would be privy to anything surrounding a relationship, right? So they have no professional experience, no experience besides observations on the outside. Now if that person is mature, becoming mature studies, people is empathetic understands the stories etc. They might know what they're talking about, but they don't know wholly what they're talking about. There is a strong difference between being in a relationship with somebody that cheated versus observing somebody in a relationship that cheated. You can't say how that person would feel. But you have these people that have never been in that situation. They're saying all of this stuff and telling you what you should do with your life and they ain't got no clue what to do what they like because they've never been there and they've never had to advise somebody to get there. So I think that's part of the problem with establishing relationships. We have all of this cool quotation mark advice out here that's actually jam and people up and it's actually harmful. The bottom line to all of this advice, even my advice, right advice that anybody gives you, you got to do what works for you and what is in alignment with what God told you for your life. That's it. It doesn't matter if it's your mom or your at your granny, you got to do what's in alignment and what works best for your life based on where God has you. That's it. That's all. So I want to give you a couple of pointers in my professional and personal experience of helping people to improve their relationships. I mean, it's not like that wrote a book on relationships right? 20 Days to Better relationships, the work but No, but seriously, let's dive in. The first thing I'm going to tell you is the first thing that I always tell you get clear on your expectations. What do you want? What do you desire in this relationship? Do you want to brunch friend you want to fitness friend, you want a mom, friend, you want to travel friend you want to deep talk spread? What kind of friendship are you looking for, I teach the relationship ranking system in 24k vision 90 Day accelerator, but you can find a surface level version of that right here on my YouTube channel right here on the podcast and episode 27. And I will link that down below where he talks about the different expectations that you have for people on different levels based on your experiences based on how you treat them, they treat you etc. I'm not going to deep dive into that right now into this episode, you can go back and watch that. But that's the first thing. What are you expecting from this relationship? Are you expecting an entry level of friendship and we got to understand that every person that you meet is not going to fit in your top tier category, some people are going to be in your entry level friends, some people are going to be your mom friends that are at the gym. And that's okay, that's okay. Because if everybody was in your quotation mark top to your level of friendship, that means that you're probably not really having meaningful life changing connections with anybody because if everybody is on the same level or treat you the same, and you treat them the same, where is the authenticity, like either you wear your heart on your sleeve, and you're getting hurt a lot and you lack boundaries, or you're too tight and nobody has access to you. So what type of friend do you want? What are you expecting from this relationship be cool, but be you don't obsess, I want you to think about this the same way that you do dating. This is not the person to pour your heart and your soul into like pipe down Pollyanna, relax a little bit, okay, you're gonna scare people off, if you jump to our cord into the relationship to fat. First of all, only God should be snatching a little like period, nobody should be able to snatch it yourself. Like, I know I shouldn't be doing that. But in the same token, God does use people to really enhance or improve your life. But it's not just one person. So you cannot go into a relationship expecting to be fulfilled by one person. And I think that's a mistake that we make. A lot of times in dating and in friendships, we're expecting this one thing, or all these things from this one person, when in reality, sometimes you might not get it in one person. Sometimes you do. Sometimes you don't. And you just have to be okay with that. If you meet somebody, the very first thing that you want to do pay game, okay, peep their interactions, people a treat people pique their level of empathy. People just watch just like if you like, Okay, so see my Chico? All right, let me see. Because contrary to what you might be thinking, you can actually see if somebody is empathetic in the first couple of interactions, and as simple things, do they hold the door open for people behind them? Do they say thank you, right? Like how do they treat janitors or baristas? Or, you know, people that are in service positions? How do they treat those people? How do they look at them? Do they acknowledge them? You know, one of the things that I do that I'm very intentional about doing I say thank you when a waiter pours my water or takes away my plate. And I do that because I want to acknowledge their existence. So many times I'm in a restaurant or in a place of service where someone is literally serving you and I've seen people that continue on with the conversation or don't acknowledge that somebody just took away their plate or, and that's just a common courtesy, in my opinion, to give acknowledgement to people that are going out of their way to serve you. So even if they refill my cup five times because I'd be killing at water at the restaurant. I'm saying thank you five times. So you can peep how people feel about other human beings. Even from the very first few interactions. You know, those little things matter if it's cold outside and you're not holding the door. For me when I'm at the school picking up my child, and it's snow, and I was like two feet behind you, and you saw me you didn't hold the door. I'm judging you. Yep, I said it. Yes, that is based on a true story. Thank you for asking. That didn't happen to me. And I'm over here like, Huh, okay. But you The point being you can peep game, and you can peep a person certain traits or things about them in those small interactions, is that the whole thing that you should be looking at? No, but you can see in those small interactions, how they feel about other people, you can get excited, but you have to just watch just let things unfold. You might meet somebody who seems like they are super cool. And then all of a sudden, they turn into a Karen on you. Is that a true story? Also a true story. Yes, speaking from personal experience, so do not count one or two really great experiences as proof people need cloud, they need grit, they got to demonstrate that their character is even consistent, because some of the things you know, I had several events or whatever. And this happens quite often, where you have some events and people meet each other. And they seem to be like really cool. And then you know, they establish friendships or relationships. And then after a couple months go by, and you hear the person talking, and you see how they interact with others, you kind of like,
Dr. Seida 11:24
that's not what I was looking for in a friend. And so the beauty of slowing down the process is that you don't form the heavy attachment right away. And again, you will want to go back to Episode 27. Because you don't necessarily need to cut that person out of your life, you just know where to categorize them for lack of better words. Okay. Okay. Our final tip for today, beware of past triggers, do not judge them according to the things that you are supposed to have healed from. What that means is if I said that I no longer want to be a gossip, and I don't want to be in relationship with people that gossip so tough, like, maybe I have interactions with them, but they're not My Top Tier level, if I don't want to do that, and I meet somebody, and I find that they gossip a lot, then that's not gonna be one of my top tier people, because that is in accordance with my old standards of friendships and what I was looking for in relationship. And truth be told, if I link up with somebody that gossip all the time, and that was a thing for me. And I determined that I didn't want to do it anymore, that might get me into a trap that might get me into a snare. So we probably should create some distance. They're not saying that you can't be friends with them, but you have to be aware of the potential for you. There are people that activate positive things in us and there are people that activate negative things in us, I am always talking about the person that you become when you are in relationship with certain people and why that matters for your future and who you are trying to become. Right. So if you're trying to become this whole hearted, compassionate person, and you keep finding yourself linking up with people that are the opposite of that, you got to explore some patterns, you got to see what it is that you're looking at and that you're drawn to. And you probably need to go to therapy, work that out. Figure that out, you know, then go back to the drawing board. I'm looking for friendships, just keep it on it. Okay, make sure that you have cleaned off your glasses when you are making your assessment, meaning do not judge through rose colored lenses. I'll cast that at best. And know you like to go don'ts steak, but lean a little bit closer see your roses really smell like Boo Boo Boo. Basically, this goes back to the episode on confidence lessons from cardi and Lizzo. Do not judge a book by its cover. Again, you cannot judge those actions like whether somebody holds the door or whatever. Like maybe they was having a bad day that day. Like you can't judge their entire character off of those simple actions. You should be looking at those experiences but you can't make a full assessment. That's why you got to fall back and peep games see how they are see how they operate, see how they talk to people see what they do what they're about that all matters. It's time to talk about what I've been loving product recommendations shoutouts to family and friends and overall gratitude. Let's get into it. Welcome back for another one. I've been loving. I have been loving for three days and three days only my hair. The hair is straight. For those of y'all that are listening. It's straight. And all my clients been like, oh my gosh, I was like yeah, I'm like y'all don't don't get used to it because we're going to the gym and I've been loving it because I've been creating stories that are comical to me and to some of y'all because you haven't responded to my stories, and goblin voting, because I put up a poll on my stories. If you're not following me on Instagram, that's where I'd be most active at, especially in my stories. So I put up a poll in my stories to say, Should I go to the gym and sweat out my hair? Or do I just like skip the gym this week and let my hair just live its best little straight life for as long as possible. A lot of y'all most of y'all was like, Girl, go have a cookie. Don't go to the gym. Let your hair be straight. Was y'all y'all was out here talking about says hit the gym. And I'm gonna be here like y'all don't care about my money though. Anyway, I did hit the gym because we got we got goals, we got body goals, so I hit the gym and the hair is going goodbye. But that's what I've been loving. I love the versatility of black hair. Like y'all saw me on a podcast episode and how my shrinkage was insane, right? Because some days my hair be poppin and it'd be looking like as long as the days that shrinkage be like, tight, but that's what I've been loving. How about you? What have you been loving? If you enjoyed today's episode, share the love share with a mama share with your auntie share it with your best friend, then head on over to Apple podcast and leave us a five star review reviews help the podcast to grow. Well. That's all I have for you this week. I'll see you out on the social media streets.
Unknown Speaker 16:22
Bye
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
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