E106: 3 Mistakes You Could Be Making in Your Relationships

**This episode was transcribed by Otter.ai, so please forgive any spelling errors.

Dr. Seida 0:00

You're listening to the Loveish podcast. And I'm your host, Dr. Sita hood, Vision architect and licensed therapist. Each week, I'm going to help you to develop the belief and strategy necessary to make an immediate impact on the world by deep diving into topics like mental wellness, faith, relationships, and you guessed it, love. I should mention before we happen to the show, this is not a substitute for a relationship with a licensed therapist. You ready? Let's get it

Dr. Seida 0:39

Welcome back for another episode of the Loveish Podcast. I am your host, Dr. Sita hood, Vision architect and licensed therapist, what is in your mug today? Today we got our water with lemon. And we have our vanilla sweet cream cold brew with the sweet foam on top mentally what's in my mug, I'm feeling okay, right like not you have those periods where you are coasting. You doing okay? Like you're not necessarily about to drop the ball, but also you're not at your most energized. So that's kind of where I am right now, I recognized some of my energy levels decreasing. So I took the time to take two days off for myself two mental health days earlier this week. So now I feel like I'm performing at optimal level, right. So I feel like optimal level is. And for those that are listening, this is a video podcast. So you might want to see this part. But optimal level is kind of a range, right? A range of performance, and you float back and forth between there. So when I say I'm functioning at optimal level, maybe I don't have the most energy, but I'm still within my range. Alright, let's jump into today's topic, three mistakes that you could be making in your relationships and what it's doing to you. Mistake number one, expecting your friends to behave exactly like you, or expecting people to behave exactly like you, it's just not gonna cut it, it's just not gonna cut it. Because people have their own personalities, and they have their own ways of doing things. And just because a person has a different perspective, or does things dramatically different than you doesn't make it wrong. And we have to be really careful about making people feel a way because their method is different than our method. Because if they got subscribers, if they got a high position, if they got some cloud of some sort, clearly that method is effective for somebody I got I got that's just what we got to remember. And I said, we have to be careful, because I don't know about you, I feel like you think the same way. But I never want to be the cause of somebody pausing their pursuit of purpose, right. So if they have a goal, idea, a mission, a vision, something that they want to accomplish, and I make a little funky comment, because it's different. I don't want to be the reason why that person doesn't pursue their ideas, right. So that's what I mean when I say, we have to be careful with that. And truth be told, you need different people in your life to activate different parts of you expecting people to behave exactly like you do leads to disappointment and frustration. Anybody ever felt that? Anybody? anybody? Anybody ever felt that? From being like, Girl, I would have thought she wouldn't. But she did something totally different because she's different than you. If it's coming from a place of love, then I don't know that we really need to examine it as heavy. Maybe we just need to verbalize our concerns and say what we would prefer that person do but even then it's dependent on the situation. Okay. People have their own thoughts, their own feelings, their own emotions, and Uncle pokey. Hang on, do a barbecue the way you do when you get up on the grill. Okay, Titi Sandra, she not gonna have the same level of hospitality as your mama. And that's okay. Because you can still find ways to enjoy uncle Pokey and Cincy Sandra's company. Okay? It'll have to be just like you because we'll see it was running in the first place. Who has said that? Okay. I'm getting about to be as though I'm getting out Shelby instance. All right. All right. So the key here is to embrace the differences and learn to appreciate diverse perspectives. Learn to appreciate people's experiences and see how they can enrich your life. See how they can enrich your relationship together and help you grow As an individual, you cut off your growth when you expect people to function exactly as you do. Or when you are only surrounding yourself with people who think exactly like you do. Everybody thinks the same way. Where's the innovation? Where is the transformation? Right? There's nobody there challenging anything, which leads me into mistake number two, you might be making being too nice. And that's the cute way of putting it, aka, a lack of boundaries. Okay? We just don't, the boundaries are just all over the place. If you are stuck in a cycle of being nice, and it seems like the niceness is never reciprocated, then that likely means that you are compromising who you are, and you have turned into a doormat. Okay. As I said, I would love though I say we love, it's important to, of course, be kind, of course, be respectful. But being too accommodating to giving, never saying no, never saying how it impacts you stand up super late at night compromising on your schedule to drop everything and go meet somebody else's needs. Doing all of that can lead you to resentment, and it could lead you to feel extremely frustrated in the relationship. That's where I think we talked about this a couple of episodes ago where we talked about going behind your your your friends back and telling your other friend about what this one doing. And it's really because you're frustrated, because you've got doormat syndrome, you don't became a doormat because she was trying to be too nice. And it sucks to hear the truth. But the truth is, is your fault is your fault, because you didn't use your voice and say what you needed to say. So it's important to set healthy boundaries and to communicate your needs and your expectations on a relationship clearly so that people can respect your boundaries. Because there's one thing to say right? Because I hear somebody out. I do say what I think I do. But again, if you're not enforcing it, then what are your boundaries, tiny, what are your boundaries, they're not, they're not really boundaries of we're not enforcing them, right? So it's important because you also need to maintain your own sense of self, your own personality, your own identity, and we lose parts of that in doormat syndrome, we lose parts of that when we are forever compromising too afraid to hurt somebody's feelings. Something might hurt somebody's feelings. But if it needs to be said it needs to be said honey, especially if it's essential to your growth. I'm gonna get into point number three. But first, we're going to have a word from our sponsor for today's episode. Made me poolside in Arizona, you're tired of feeling alone and trapped in a cycle of mediocrity. 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Dr. Seida 10:25

Number three, keeping things bottled up, okay, you are legit depriving yourself of some of the dopest parts of your relationship. And I know I heard it all I heard it all. I don't want to be a burden. I want to put too much on her. She already got honest on her plate, I want to be another problem for her. I ain't trying to tell nobody my business. I got her in the past when I said that. I want her to screenshot my stuff like so much. But at some point, you have to start trusting somebody with your heart. You're saying that people are not there for you? Like you're there for them? But are you sharing your heart? Do people know to check on you? Do people know that you're hurting? Do people know that you're going through something? And I know and I've heard all of the excuses, because some of them, I used to say myself, and I'm telling you that you're depriving yourself of amazing relationships, when you stay in that mindset. So I don't want you to stay in that mindset anymore. Okay, I want you to be brave. And I know it can be really difficult to open up. I know, it's challenging to share your thoughts. I know you're scared, people are gonna judge you. I know, you think that you are on an island and nobody else goes through this. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. You are not alone. And I know, you know, there's a risk of people rejecting you, there's risk that people won't understand you. But people don't necessarily have to understand you to be empathetic to your situation. Okay, so I want you to stop depriving yourself of the dopest parts of your relationship. Because keeping things bottled up doesn't lead anywhere good. It leads to depression, isolation, loneliness, a disconnect in the relationship, because I've had some relationships where I felt like me, and you know, the potential friend was like, vibing really good. It's like, okay, yeah, we see why we call we on the same page. And then all of a sudden, there was like a disconnect. And for a while, I was like, Okay, I don't know what's happened and where I don't know what's going on. And then finally, I just addressed it head on. And I was like, Okay, this is what I'm feeling like, is that one of those relationships. And I think maybe it's because you're scared that I'm gonna hurt you. And I can tell you, I'm not gonna hurt you. I take pride in my relationships, and my friendships, and I really value when people share their hearts with me, I'm not going to betray your confidence. You know, I know, I know, back in the data, and then told you stories about me. I know, I know, I know, at all. And I know, as someone whose stories is true, you know, I wasn't always the best friend. But But today, though, today, though, I will hold your heart. And the relationship has been different ever since. And so you, you have to overcome that fear of rejection, rejection is a real possibility. But it doesn't mean that that is what is going to happen. And it's important to be honest, and authentic with yourself. If you are in this position, you got to be honest about the fact that maybe some of your past relationships, like maybe you being triggered in this new one, you see some stuff. And it's not exactly the same as that old relationship, but it's making you feel like that. So you got to be honest about that. And communicate that. All right. All right. All right. All right. So we have discussed the three big mistakes that you might be making in your relationship. And now it's time to talk about the solution. Because y'all know, I'm not gonna drag out to a point, show you some and then not give you some tools or some strategies to help you overcome that thing. So we talk about relationships a lot, right? Again, wrote a book on relationships. This podcast is about relationships. Everything I do, is about relationships and alignment with God's will. So the solution is alignment, plus expectations, equal peaceful relationships. It is really that simple and 24k vision we use the relationship ranking system to take you through and deep dive on what it looks like to have aligned relationships and relationships that meet your expectations. And not only yours, but also the other person's expectations as well. So I want to give you a little bit of that. So alignment plus expectations is really about being clear on your own values, your own goals, your own priorities, and aligning yourself with people Will that also share those beliefs, those values, those priorities. So for example, if me and this takes me back to the episode with Ashley, so me and Ashley both really value high quality relationships where we nourish each other, we nourish the friendship, we are aware that maybe we're at two different points in our lives, but we're still connected and maintaining a friendship, then how we nourish our relationship is going to be in alignment, right, it may not look the same, but it's going to be in alignment, because that's what we both want, our expectations are going to be in alignment, because it's what we both want. Both of us are invested in this relationship. So you can go back and look at those episodes into nourishing your relationships, part one and part two, it also means setting clear expectations, and then communicating those, of course, being respectful, but being really open about where you stand and what it is you do and what it is you want in a relationship so that everybody can be on the same page and your relationship can thrive. We minimize conflict when we have alignment and expectations in order. So the bottom line here is that relationships, your relationships are important for your overall well being and each person in your life contributes to something right some part of you that has to grow, that has to evolve in some way, shape or form, you might not like it, but even a negative interaction is contributing to who you are becoming to that future you these relationships that you see that have lasted for years, the relationships that you know, people are heavily invested in and you're like, oh, I want a bestie like that. I want a friend group like that. They're cute to look at on social media, but they take work to keep the relationship thriving. And it's simple, but it's work is simple, but it's work. So do your best to avoid these mistakes so that you can have thriving relationships. It's time to talk about what I've been loving product recommendations shoutouts to family and friends and overall gratitude. Let's get into it. Welcome back for another what I've been loving this week what I've been loving is from rebel wellness, it is a puzzle. I have been looking for other ways to slow down other ways to be intentional. Otherwise support into me that allow me to be quiet and still and listen to music or, you know, audiobook or something like that. And so revel wellness is a good form of self care, even her whole page like if you go look on her Instagram page, you'll see that she has like ideas for what to do while putting together puzzles. And I used to put together puzzles as a kid and I think that that is one of the ways that we can slow our brains down. But we often forget about the simplicity of putting together a puzzle and talking and having a cool drink next to you while you putting together a puzzle. Whatever the case is. That's what I've been loving this week. If you enjoyed today's episode, share the love. Share it with your mama share which it share with your best friend. Then head on over to Apple podcasts and leave us a five star review reviews help the podcast to grow. Well. That's all I have for you this week. I'll see you out on these social media streets.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

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